My neighbor, Tiffany, was helping me reorganize my closet this weekend by chatting with me while I folded and sorted (she wasn’t being lazy – this was her job which I had asked her to do and it actually worked very well for me). She entertained me by reading from her iPhone a list of totally inane Facebook updates from a specific friend of hers who apparently updates frequently and mundanely. My favorite was “Just remembered I bought muffins earlier!!! YUM!!!!!”
Now, I think that it’s part of the beauty of FB that you can write whatever you want and you can make a headline out of something seemingly mundane. However, I think that some people do this successfully but realizing the mundane-ness of their update, maybe with a hint of irony, and also, not updating every fricking five seconds about EVERY THING IN THE WORLD THAT HAPPENS TO YOU EVER. I once almost updated that I was proud of myself for remembering that I had taken the vacuum cleaner out and then didn’t trip on it on the way to the bathroom at 3:00 am, but decided against it. It seemed really, really, inane, yet it did pass the golden fb rule test: if a friend of mine had posted something about almost tripping on the vacuum in the middle of the night, I actually would’ve quite enjoyed that little, funny window into their life. So maybe I should post it. But it would seem strange now: Shannon is happy that she remembered just in time the placement of her vacuum so she didn’t trip on it on the way to the bathroom, four months ago.
So I suppose it remains really up to the individual what FB update is really interesting enough to post, and to his or her friends whether or not they give a damn. I probably would err on the side of not censoring ones self.
However, because I am only 1 part Earth Mother and 3 parts Point and Laugh At That Person Who Just Fell Down, I have created this list of hypothetical updates that I think we can all agree should never, ever, be posted. We’ll call this hypothetical over-poster Julie Smith.
Julie Smith is really not happy with her current vitamins. Really, isn’t there something smaller than football she could swallow each day??? Hello????
Julie Smith has a commute, but not to bad of a commute. I guess I should be happy about it cuz some people have to drive, like FAAAAR, yo!
Julie Smith is really excited about omelets today. Why can’t every day be omelet day?
Julie Smith just heard the greatest make-up tip ever. DON’T YOU WISH SHE’D SHARE????
Julie Smith totally loves her podiatrist.
Julie Smith just went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and her zit is TOTALLY ready to be popped. Can’t wait to get home!!!
Julie Smith can’t believe how temperate it is today.
Julie Smith had a lot of blood in the sink this morning when she flossed.
Julie Smith oh no, TOO MUCH CAKE AT LUNCH!
Julie Smith is SOOO excited about watching Oprah this afternoon!!!
Julie Smith just took a quiz.
Julie Smith just took another quiz.
Julie Smith took about 300 quizzes and really, really wants to share with you what color she is most like, what A-Team member she would be, what 90s song defines her sex life, and what dead baroque musician her mom most looks like.
Julie Smith forgot to feed her goldfish again. OOOPS!!!!!!
Julie Smith is thinking about doing her homework.
Julie Smith someone just took my favorite pair of scissors aaaaak!
Julie Smith IS SOOOOOO BOOOOOORRRRREEEDDDDDD!!!!!
Julie Smith was pronounced dead at 3:51 pm today.
6 comments:
...is lol so tired right now and have to a million things to do but am on fb lol ;)
HA HA HA HA YES that is the best!!!
I'll bet you have a lot of inane FB friends...
I feel that I am guilty of being an inane facebook poster. Sorry. I do love my chiropractor though and I talk about my cats all the time in real life.
Oh! Oh! but there are at least THREE irritating status report types. Inane is definitely the most common.
My favorite eye roller (and the second most common) is the Leading Status Report. This is all about drama and is usually phrased to draw out some response from someone in the know and/or a gullible "friend":
Leslie Leader: Leslie hopes she gets the good news today!
This type of status is usually followed by the I'll Work In Some Details So Everyone Realizes that I, and Only I, Know What You're Talking About response:
Suzy Sucker: Oh, Leslie! When is your appointment?
Gary Gullible: What kind of appointment?
Third, but ever present, is the Melodramatic Status report. The melodramatic status is not necessarily personal, but usually conveys a sense of sadness or despair over something the poster has no control over, like puppies in far-away countries, social injustice, or the death of a public figure.
Marla Melodrama: Is overcoming the urge to burst into tears while skating to Elliott Smith.
This is especially annoying because it's almost always followed by the I'll Work In Some Details So Everyone Knows I Understand What You're Talking About response:
Sam Sympathizer: Oh! I know what you mean! It's so tragic that he killed himself.
Erin: 's left ear itches. ;)
A selection from the last 24 hours, and I do like the majority of these people:
"Jalopeno cheese bread. Yummy!"
"In a word? Doughy." (not the same person, FYI)
"spaghetti. homework. homework. homework. homework. maybe, eventually, sleep."
"Brett Favre == Giuseppe Rossi." (may be funny, if I knew who Guiuseppe Rossi was)
"O.M.Matey.G. i just changed me language to pirate. why did i not be a knowin' this? ARRR." (and now I want to do this too.)
And winning the WHO CARES division: "joined networking groups? check! joined Sandy Chamber of Commerce? Check. listed meetings I should attend on calendar? Check." YAWN.
Hahahaha... these are the reasons I deleted FB!
@Erin: Hilarious and oh-so-true.
Shannon, Erin... thanks for the AM laugh! Here's my inane: I'm suffering with a sinus infection, so the laughing also included some great snorting. Cheers!
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