BULLETIN: PERSON WITH ADD ACTUALLY GETS SOMETHING DONE FOR ONCE

If you have ADD, you probably understand how proud I was when I finally made myself sit down to write the title for my first ever entry to my blog.

And here I am, a mere six hours later, writing the blog. Everyone clap! Sorry -- don’t clap; I don’t want you to get distracted from reading. Someone’s liable to walk in the room in a few minutes to see you clapping and ask you what the hell you’re doing and you won’t remember.

But hey, if they’ve known you long, they probably won’t think much of it. (Unless you are also yelling “YAY!” at the same time, in which case you’ve just convinced them you have a bit more than ADD.) Anyway. Sorry. I digress!

Ok don’t worry I’m not going to make “But I digress!” some sort of tagline. I don’t have a bicycle horn here that I honk every time get to say “But I digress!” I have, in fact, had the idea of this blog for many months, have had ideas half-formed in my brain for that long, and have had the title in my head probably much longer. The point is, it really was a pain in my ass to make myself actually sit down and write this thing. And look, I’m having so much fun already! Really! It’s fun. Even though I just writing this now, I am picturing all of you thousands of happy ADD people out there, reading this and saying “Oh my god; that is just like me!”

Because, let’s face it. There is only so much someone can do to “treat” ADD. Yes, I have about seven or eight books on the subject, some very good, some I even read all the way through. And by all the way through, I mean parts from the front of the book AND the back! But after the meds, the therapy, the fish oil, the exercise, the brain-building activities, and the purchase of many different day planners, you are still going to have some shitty days. You’re going to forget to do something really important at work, you’re going to bounce a check, you’re going to lose that last ADD book you just bought under a pile of “to-do” action items and accidentally buy a second copy. You’re going to…ok, I think it’s fairly obvious I’m actually talking about myself here, so let me share some real situations. One time I got a chicken breast out of the fridge, got a knife out of a drawer, cut up the chicken, put the chicken in a little baggy, and then put the chicken in the knife drawer. Another time I was getting ready for the day and took the cap off of a tube of toothpaste, squirted the toothpaste onto my finger, held my eye open, and then suddenly realized I was about to put toothpaste in my eye as if it were my contact.

My point is a) having ADD can sometimes suck, no matter how much therapy you have. And b) (making lists helps me keep my thoughts organized) ADD is actually quite funny. When I was first diagnosed, about a year ago, I did a google search on for “ADD” and “Humor.” I was really hoping to find a hilarious book or blog about ADD that would just help me “deal.” Something I could laugh at when I had had a long day. But there was nothing! Nothing, at least, that I am aware of… I got bored after searching for a while.

So here you go! If you have ADD, if your roommate/spouse/child/barista has ADD, or if you enjoy laughing at others’ problems, stop here for your heapin’ helpin’ of weekly ADD-related humor. And if you made it this far, NOW it is safe to clap your hands and yell “YAAAAAY!” Just take that football helmet off your head or someone is really gonna start to wonder.