The Irony and the ADD

New bulletin: I cannot spell "bulletin" correctly. It is now fixed in my last post so you can't check to see how I spelled it, unless you are my BFF who pointed it out to me. Thanks Jen. By the way, you have something in your teeth.

So speaking of my BFF, about a year ago, when I was first diagnosed with ADD, I had this one crazy "ADD-Related" day (oh, aren't they all?) when I forgot to refill my Ritalin prescription, and wrote her a big email about how ironic having ADD can be. She pointed out that that my stressed-out rantings about ADD were actually pretty amusing (to her anyway, she doesn't have to live with it EVERY DAY! (Throws self down onto pillow, weeps)). That was originally when I had the idea about writing an ADD blog. And look, it only took me 11 more months to follow up!

Unfortunately, or, perhaps, predictably, I lost the email I wrote her and apparently everyone I sent email to is NOT saving everything I write to them in case I die suddenly and they need to pull some material together for my posthumous book release but I guess not everyone thinks like I do.

But anyway. My point, ehem, is that I wanted to post that email today but I'm just going to have to try my best to recreate it. I say this in case Oprah ever reads this and accuses me of "exaggerating" my ADD for sensationalization. If there is an error, I apologize. I still maintain, however, that my former posts of how I overcame alcoholism without AA and how I grew up in south central LA are 100% true. (Sorry, that's probably a writer in-joke...)

But first, let me say that I think that having ADD is probably one of the most irony-riddled "disorders" out there. It's like the equivalent of if you had cancer, but your chemotherapy drugs were destroyed by basal-cell melanoma. Or if you were narcoleptic and...um.......you know what, this metaphor is going nowhere. And I really need to stop comparing ADD to cancer. I mean, those lucky cancer bastards get CURED at some point, ADD is way worse. Ba-dum, ching...

It's ok, I'm sure god will give me cancer at some point for that last comment. So what I'm saying is that irony abounds in ADD. Example: you need to take a pill that helps you stay focused and remember to do things, but, well, you're unfocused and forget things so you forgot to take your pill. Or you go to an ADD support group but you never get to talk because everyone else there has ADD and talks on and on and on and on and everyone interrupts everyone else and gets off the topic so no progress is ever made. OR you think "Hey, I'm going to order this new ADD book about organization online from amazon.com!" and then you're cleaning your apartment and find, under a stack of unread mail, the organization book that you bought 3 months ago and forgot about.

Or, (*cough cough*) probably the best way for you -- and when I say you, i mean me -- to deal with your ADD is to write a funny blog about it, but you are lazy and unorganized and don't post for like a month....ehem. I know I shouldn't label myself as lazy but really, I am. Not all people with ADD are lazy. And yes, sometimes it seems like I am lazy but really it just takes me a few extra hours to do something because I forget why I started doing it or I get distracted by staring at my pores in the mirror. But also, I am lazy.

But I digress! (sorry...so hard NOT to say it...) Here is a recreation of some day in spring 2007 when I forgot to (or was lazy and just didn't) refill my Ritalin Rx.

• Wednesday morning: Realized I am freaking out of Ritalin and that I’d better get that Rx refilled or I’ll be in trouble.
• Take Rx to drugstore on lunch break intending to pick it up after work so I’ll have it for tomorrow morning.
• Forget to go to drugstore after work.
• Wake up Thursday morning, realize I do not have Ritalin. Try my hardest to get my butt out the door so I can pickup Rx before work.
• Remember that this is the day I’m supposed to go to a time-management seminar that my boss suggested I take when I told her I was recently diagnosed w/ADD.
• Scold self for not writing time-management seminar in day planner.
• Realize I have not used my day planner since 2006 so technically I don’t have a working day planner.
• Go to drugstore. Make feeble joke with Armenian Pharmacist Lady about how spacey I am because I didn't have my Ritalin Rx.
• Think to myself that pharmacists never really get drug humor.
• Unknowingly leave keys at pharmacy counter.
• Am now late for time-management seminar.
• Realize that building I thought time-management seminar is not where I thought it would be.
• Scold self for not writing down location of time-management seminar in imaginary day-planner.
• Walk into time-management seminar. Am not surprised most other people are late as well.
• Sit through incredibly boring time-management seminar that mostly revolves around making lists and writing things down in a day planner.
• Go back to work for 2nd half of the day.
• Walk to car.
• Look for keys.
• Look for keys more carefully.
• Look for keys again, this time emptying contents of purse out on hood of car, turning out pockets, and looking in car ignition.
• Walk back to office, hoping to find keys along the way somewhere.
• Go back into office, look in desk.
• Call campus security to ask them if anyone found a set of keys. Get recorded message asking me to leave my name and number and promising to get back to me by the end of the week.
• Leave cell phone number in message as instructed.
• Realize cell phone is locked in car.
• Wonder if I should just take the bus home and wonder if my car will get towed if I leave it in the university parking lot all night.
• Weep.
• I mean, internally.
• Like, for a half a second.
• Walk back to car, looking in all gutters, bushes, homeless people’s piles of stuff, and then under car for keys.
• Try very, very hard to remember everything I did that day.
• Reflect that time-management seminar was, ironically, a waste of time.
• Remember I am trying to remember where my keys are.
• Suddenly, after quieting down brain sufficiently, remember going to the drugstore.
• Race back to drugstore, ask about keys.
• Get handed keys by un-smiling Armenian Pharmacy Lady (has she been here all day?).

Still think cancer is all that bad? Just kidding. I shouldn’t joke, lest cancer karma catch up with me. I mean, can you imagine that? I would always be, like, leaving my cancer scarf at home and have to go to some meeting all bald and stuff, or like, forget to pick up my medicinal marijuana from the “clinic.” I’d probably get all excited about arranging all these cancer support groups and then lose interest and everyone would be all “but what about the cancer support group?” and I would be all “Jeeze, I can’t organize EVERYTHING, I have cancer for christ sake!”

Non-sequiter of the day: I love how when you post a comment on someone's myspace page it will sometimes tell you "awaiting approval." I mean, aren't we all? At the same time, I am somewhat resentful when my computer solitaire gives me the option, once I have lost yet another solitaire game, to "deal." Who the hell are you to tell me to just "deal," computer? But I always do.