Please Stop Waving Your Light Saber At Me, Sir

Arch nemesis to the AD/HD driver: Those valet parking guys waving neon flags or light sabers on the side of the street in the hopes that you will give up on looking for a parking spot and graciously accept their services.

Here's why I consider this a crime: their main purpose is actually to distract you while you are driving. You're driving down La Brea, hoping that the entitled BMW X5 driving next to you will back up a few inches to let you in, but they're not so you're trying to shove your car in front of theirs in the hope that they would rather let you in than pay for body work. At the same time, you're trying the read the bumper sticker on the car in front of you - you can't tell if it's ironic or just stupid. "Save a Cow: Eat a Vegan." Dirty, maybe? You try to gather contextual clues from the bumper stickers around it. They seem to be a Blink 182 fan. Well, that could really go either way. At the same time, you just heard on NPR that some famous old actor just died and you think, "Man, I totally thought he was dead already..."

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there's a dude frantically waiving an orange neon flag at you and gesturing for you to turn right. IMMEDIATELY.

Thanks to evolution, the human brain is hard-wired to think the following things upon seeing this:

• Turn right immediately or die
• You are about to run over a puppy
• Your baby is strapped to the top of your car
• Hey man, there's a cop around the corner and it's not even a regular cop, it's one of those CHP assholes on a motorcycle
• Please help me; I need to get my baby to a doctor

Here's what the guy waving the flag is really trying to tell you:

• Expensive parking!

Let's not reward this sort of behavior, folks.