"Contents of Pockets Include only Pepper Spray and Dog Feces"

Thanks to the super-fun economic what-have-you that's been going on, my cute, hipster neighborhood has been experiencing a major spike in crime. My car was recently broken into - something I was honestly surprised hadn't happened before given that I've lived in an apt w/no parking spot - as have a handful of my neighbors'. Worse, there have been several muggings since January, some of them violent. I actually have a neighbor who lives in my BUILDING who had a tooth knocked out. Yikes. I've lived in worse neighborhoods - supposedly "Brangelina" live just a couple of blocks up the street from me - but the amount of muggings combined w/the fact that one happened to someone I actually know is freaking me out.

A few months back I bought some pepper spray, which I am convinced I am going to somehow accidentally spray in my eye. Don't ask me how this would happen, all I know is that I've ended up with mustard on my forehead and underwear in my pant leg and I don't think that a self-inflicted ocular pepper spray attack is that unrealistic. To add to my paranoia, my friend (whose name I really can't print here and yes, that makes me feel special)who works for a certain government agency tells me that the pepper spray I purchased is three times stronger than that which his mysterious government agency supplies its agents with.

Also, I let the sales woman at the army surplus store talk me into the larger size. Why on earth would I need the larger size? Hopefully I'm never going to need to use this stuff, let alone twice. Certainly I should have time to go back to the army surplus in-between muggings.

I recently read an article in Psychology Today (my therapist confirmed that, no, therapists don't actually read Psychology Today, just "psychology enthusiasts," i.e., "crazy assholes" like me) about how criminals choose victims. Surprise, surprise, looking "distracted" is high on the list. Good thing I look like a menacing badass when I walk down the street. I mean, unless I see a butterfly. Or think about a poem I'd like to write. Or think about that one time in high school that my friend and I put banana peels all over the stairs thinking someone would walk by and think "Oh my GOD, how funny! You always see that in cartoons and stuff but someone ACTUALLY put banana peels all over the stairs!" and didn't think about the fact that putting banana peels on the stairs is actually really really dangerous and then I laugh out loud.

Anyway. Bananas. No, wait, muggings. So the article says that, while some people advocate talking on your cell phone or pretending to talk on your cell phone as a deterrent to would-be attackers, that doesn't really work. The inmates interviewed for this article said that someone talking on a cell phone is NOT a deterrent, but rather a signal that the person is distracted. This is good for me, because I can stop having pretend phone conversations that go like this:

"Hi, it's me... yeah, I'm almost there... oh, how funny, I can see you from here! Is that a new baseball bat you got?.... Wow, that was smart of you to put the nail through it like... oh, a railroad stake? Yeah, that makes sense, it was sort of larger and more deadly looking than a... what? Oh, that's cool, I'm glad your police friend Marvin is currently in your apartment, looking out the window with you, I've always wanted to meet your police friend Marvin... oh yeah? He's showing you his gun?... Wow, I didn't know those were legal...oh, yes, of course... no, I won't tell..."

According to one inmate quoted in the article, a person walking a dog is a deterrent. Even a little fluff ball thingy like Lando. A psychological principal called the "Yap Factor." This is good because, when I fear getting mugged, I'm actually more afraid that something will happen to my dog than I am that something will be stolen. I actually wondered once if it would be a good mugging deterrent to leave the dog poopy bag untied so I can hurl feces at a would-be mugger. I have also considered:

Stabbing someone in the face with my keys held fast between my knuckles

• stabbing someone in the head with a high-heeled shoe that I have taken out of my bag, just in case I have to stab someone in the head



• throwing up on someone (don't know if I could do this on cue - then again, maybe it would happen naturally)
  
• pretending like I was schizophrenic (stole this idea from someone who says he has avoided a mugging by doing just that)


• pretending I have syphilis
  
• pretending I'm a Scientologist


• Holding up a bible to make them feel bad for attacking a woman carrying a Bible, although I was not carrying a Bible for the reason most people would carry a Bible
  
• kicking someone in the nuts (the classic)

So if you see me walkin by, and you want to say hello, and it is nighttime, consider identifying yourself first or you might just get stabbed in the head with a high-heeled shoe.

Every Now And Then, Bizarre Things Happen...

This has nothing at all to do with ADD. I assume that's ok with you guys. This is just a random story about a mini tennis ball.

First of all, for context, here is a picture of Lando sitting next to a desk chair.



So, Lando has these tiny tennis balls he enjoys playing fetch with. The other night, I gave one a hearty bounce on my kitchen floor so that it would fly up in the air. Normally what happens next is it bounces a few times and Lando skitters all over the floor, nails scratching on the tile, trying to subdue the bouncing ball with his mighty, mini schnauzer mouth. Instead, this time, it bounced once, flew under my desk chair, and disappeared.

Upon further inspection, I realized that the ball had lodged itself between the chair and the lever you use to adjust the seat height.

Like this:



There was barely room, yet it was wedged in damn good, like that's where it belonged. Like that's where I kept my mini tennis ball when I wasn't using it. I guess, statistically, a mini tennis ball is bound to wedge itself inside the framework of a desk chair once out of every 500,000 throws or something.

Lando tried to get it out:



He gave it his best try.



It would not come out.

I took pity on him and removed the ball once it was clear he wasn't gonna move it on his own.

That's it. That's the ball story.

Please Stop Waving Your Light Saber At Me, Sir

Arch nemesis to the AD/HD driver: Those valet parking guys waving neon flags or light sabers on the side of the street in the hopes that you will give up on looking for a parking spot and graciously accept their services.

Here's why I consider this a crime: their main purpose is actually to distract you while you are driving. You're driving down La Brea, hoping that the entitled BMW X5 driving next to you will back up a few inches to let you in, but they're not so you're trying to shove your car in front of theirs in the hope that they would rather let you in than pay for body work. At the same time, you're trying the read the bumper sticker on the car in front of you - you can't tell if it's ironic or just stupid. "Save a Cow: Eat a Vegan." Dirty, maybe? You try to gather contextual clues from the bumper stickers around it. They seem to be a Blink 182 fan. Well, that could really go either way. At the same time, you just heard on NPR that some famous old actor just died and you think, "Man, I totally thought he was dead already..."

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there's a dude frantically waiving an orange neon flag at you and gesturing for you to turn right. IMMEDIATELY.

Thanks to evolution, the human brain is hard-wired to think the following things upon seeing this:

• Turn right immediately or die
• You are about to run over a puppy
• Your baby is strapped to the top of your car
• Hey man, there's a cop around the corner and it's not even a regular cop, it's one of those CHP assholes on a motorcycle
• Please help me; I need to get my baby to a doctor

Here's what the guy waving the flag is really trying to tell you:

• Expensive parking!

Let's not reward this sort of behavior, folks.